life before motherhood...

Today is a day where I think about what life was like before I was a mom.

I do have a degree in Urban Studies and a Master of Arts degree. Are these requirements for being a mom... NO. I spend my days cleaning up poopy pants, doing laundry, playing referee, teaching life skills, listening to whining and crying, cooking, cleaning the table, cooking again, cleaning the table again, trying to squeeze all our stuff into a small space... Whew!

But, what happened to my brain? What happened to the things I was trained to do? Well, for now, they are on hold. I used to go into tough urban places to try and bring the hope of Jesus Christ to the broken and hurting. I used to go into churches and teach people how to develop youth and children's ministries in their environments. I used to go into homes and schools and teach families and professionals how to best help their autistic children. It was brainy. I worked hard. I used my training to train other people.

Now... I have traded broken and hurting urban places for the broken and hurting hearts of my children... because they have faced so much grief and loss in their lives so far. I have traded developing ministries for developing homeschool curriculum to use in my home to educate my children. I have traded special needs autistic children for the special needs that come with my children who don't know who to attach to because they have lost everything they were close to while they were waiting for me to be their mommy.

My job now is harder... I guess it does take as much or more brain power to accomplish it. But, on days like today, I feel frumpy and unprofessional. I feel like it takes a lot of effort to connect with any other adult and make any sense or be taken seriously. I know it's just my issue. Sometimes I wish others could see inside my head and understand the conflict between who I used to be and who my children are helping me to become. I know that in the end it will be for the better. It is just going to take some time for me to fully realize what the Lord is doing.

For now, I will take joy in my children when they draw, learn, play, laugh and smile. They won't be this little long and I don't want to miss any minute of it!