So glad my kids have each other

Today was dance day with Little Miss.  It's our Friday routine to dress her up in her outfit, get the boys ready and head down to the studio to spend an hour letting my little outnumbered princess dance her heart out with other little girls.


When we arrived at the dance studio, there were 3 little boys whose parents have big wallets, sitting at the activity table with their "screens."  Two were sporting smart phones and one had an I PAD.  These boys are probably around 5 or 6 years old.  My boys, ages 5, 6, and almost 8, were very interested in the electronic devices, so they went over to check them out.  One boy, who I'd never seen before, said to the other two, who have played with my kids in the past, that they need to move and have some "privacy."  So, they got up, turned to my crew and told them not to follow and moved to some chairs, faces buried in their screens once more.  My boys, feeling utterly rejected, looked at me for cues about what they should do.  I, being the angry, she bear mommy, responded by loudly saying, "You guys don't need to play with mean kids."

I sat down at the table with my babies and they proceeded to entertain themselves by laughing and playing with a tiny Elmo.  They took turns making him dance to songs they were singing.  After 2 or 3 minutes, the rejection they felt from the other kids was completely forgotten by them as they sat and enjoyed each other;  smiling, laughing, playing and singing.

I am thankful for the stands Dave and I take as parents.  I am thankful that we limit electronics and place high value on family time.  My kids can use their imaginations while spending time together and get real joy out of their interactions with each other.  So, angry, she bear mommy has been humbled once again by my children's resiliency.    Thank you God for the ways you use my kids to teach me about you!

My Current Brain Spasm

My friend said that this should be published somewhere.  It was a private message, but I'm happy to share it with all my readers.

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I read a lot of blogs about mothering, organizing, cleaning, this, that, and the other thing AND I think they put too much pressure on me to be the perfect mother. I AM NOT perfect. I can't have a baby whenever I want to. My house IS NOT clean. My laundry IS NOT organized, I don't cook naturally for EVERY meal. I don't follow a meticulous budget, and I don't make all my own "green" decorations and kids' clothes. I don't always pray and give things to God in stressful situations or direct my kids to do that. I break down and yell and scream. 

I am not perfect! I am normal. 

I'm not going to live up to the standards of being a "missional" mother. I'm not going to be able to always give my kids a clean diet and a keep a clutter free home. I'm not going to have days full of educational and Biblical activities that my kids can do so that I don't have to turn on the TV. I'm never going to cook without a microwave. I'm never going to always talk in a happy, cheery voice and smile at everyone I see. 

But, what I am going to be is the best I can be IN CHRIST to love and cherish my family so they can see HIM in our home. My kids will know that I am a fallen, sinful human being who without Christ would be damned to Hell. And, it is only through His work in me and His call on my life that I am who I am today.

Cultures Clash!

This past week I had to take my daughter to get extensions put in her hair.  We're trying to get her natural hair to grow long faster and, according to African American hair experts, extensions is the way to go.  I have become pretty proficient at hairstyles for my daughter, but putting in extensions is far beyond my level of expertise.

I found a salon that did a beautiful job with her hair in the middle of September.  About a week ago, it became apparent that she needed new extensions put in, so I called and made an appointment for Thursday morning.  I found childcare for my 3 busy boys, got up early, dropped the boys off, and got to my 10:00 a.m. appointment...not a small feat.  I arrived at the salon and found our stylist weaving another girl's hair.  Needless to say, I was a upset.  How could you make an appointment with someone and forget to write it in your book?

After a few minutes, we came to an agreement that I would come back in 2 hours and her hair would get done.  I left to hang out with my boys for a little bit and came back.  From the moment I walked in the door, the tension was THICK.  When they started on my daughter's hair, the would not allow me to sit in the room with her.  I stepped out of the room, calmed down, and returned to explain to them that I never leave my daughter alone with strangers.  The stylist and her boss reacted strongly, thinking I meant that I believed they would harm her in some way.  That is not what I was saying, but that's what they thought. 

So, we got it worked out that I could sit in the door way (I'm not sure how this was better then putting a chair up against the wall in the salon room) and people had to step over me to get in and out.  From that point on, they gave me the silent treatment, got 2 stylists working on Abby's hair, and got me out of there as fast as they could without another word.

While I was there, a father dropped off his daughter, who was younger than mine, and left her there alone to get a style put in that would probably take a few hours.  I don't understand how you can leave a small child alone in that situation.  I can't imagine not being there for Abby when she was afraid of the hair dryer, or not being there for her to tell me she had to use the bathroom. 

I have decided that what I experienced was a cultural difference that I am going to face whenever I take my children into the African American culture to have their needs met and learn about their roots.   Though I'm willing to learn how they approach different situations, I'm not sure the feeling is mutual in some circles we encounter and I believe that I experienced an unwillingness to understand my culture and my parenting decisions about what is best for my child. 

To the people who decided to give up my son and daughter instead of adopting them...

I really wish you could have spent the last two days with the children you cared for as your son and daughter.  She just turned four on Saturday and he will be six in a month.  You had them when she was a baby and he was two.  I cannot understand how you could care for them as your own children for an extended period of time and then decide to give them away like they were puppies or something. 

I wish you could have been here to hear my son tell me that he does not love me because you are the only parents he has ever loved and he will never love anyone else.  I wish you could be here to explain your decision to him as he kicks his foot completely through the drywall in his room because he's angry about getting the wrong kind of candy.  I wish you could be here to explain to him why he had to leave his dog behind when he went to a new home.  I pray every day that your poor choice does not screw him up for the rest of his life. 

I love my son dearly, but it would have been so much better for him if you would have honored the commitment you made to him in the beginning and chose to get help to work through his issues with him instead of handing him back to the system.  You know, a neglected child doesn't behave very well and you really could have worked with him and sought professional help in order to deal with him so that maybe by now, since he will be six soon, he would be able to function normally. 

You know what, he is an amazing child with an incredible sense of humor, who is really smart and really loving.  Unfortunately, because of your lack of commitment to him, it takes a lot of work to get past the anger in order to see who he really is and have the opportunity spend time with that sweet boy. 

I hope your life is perfect and you are happy with your decisions!

Sincerely,
The mother who will never give up on him

living without

It was a huge sacrifice for me to start staying home from work to mother our four children full time.  It was a also a very hard adjustment emotionally and financially.  It was true that the babysitter was making more money per hour then I was, but we still had more money.

This change is very evident to me today.  We are almost finished with a major house rearrange because my 4 year old grew out of his toddler bed.  That meant we had to move the 3 boys to a bigger room, give our daughter their room (moving her out of ours) and finally deciding to trade our bedroom and the basement living room. 

Today, as we enter the final stages of the transition, I am cleaning a 12 ft by 18 ft handwoven wool persian rug that we got for free off of Craigslist.  The original purchase price of this rug was around $16,000 25 years ago.  The rug has a small damaged corner and is absolutely filthy, but is also very beautiful and sturdy and will hold up in our high traffic (4 kids, 3 dogs, 1 cat) bedroom space.  This rug was a real find.  In a clean condition, it will work perfect for our new basement master bedroom/office suite that we are creating today and tomorrow.  But, I have to say all this work is wearing me out!

So, how am I learning to live without?  If I was still working, I would have bought an appropriate sized rug and had it installed, with no work for me.  I would have been able to hire someone to help with our house transition instead of Dave and I having to do all the work.  I also noticed the ceiling in our basement, recycled paneling we got off of Craigslist.  It isn't pristine and gorgeous, but it does the job. 

Today I am faced with the hard lesson of living simply and doing the best I can with what we have.  I am learning lessons about my sinfulness as I covet what others have and selfishly desire for our new room to be immaculate and perfect.  But I thank God for the grace he gives me and the lesson I am learning about being simple and doing the best with what He has given us.  And, I will be excited tomorrow when all this hard work is behind me and I am relaxing in my new living room and bedroom with my hubby and kiddos!

the things I'm learning about decluttering...

We live in a very small 3 bedroom house with a family of 6.  Needless to say, we have a hard time staying on top of the amount of stuff we accumulate.  In addition to the regular household accumulation, we also have all of our homeschooling stuff.  We are also creative people, so there are supplies for crafts, art, music, and scrapbooking AND we have now started getting ready for Christmas, since we are making all our own presents this year, and that also takes up space.  It is all very overwhelming!

So, here are the steps I am taking to reduce clutter and free up space for the things we really need and intend to use:

1.  I am not keeping anything I don't intend to use in the next 6 months.  No extra school supplies, no extra arts and crafts supplies, none of it!  I find that I usually lose the stuff I stock up on and end up rebuying it anyway.  This way, I will be saving both money and space in my home by not stocking up on the "deals" I find during this time of the year.

2.  The kids' rooms are zoned off.  They are simple and limited to the children's special belongings, their clothes, and toys that remain in that space to be played with.  We have a building and cars station in the boys' room and a kitchen/baby care station in our girl room.  When we finish the living room, the same thing will happen.  There are certain toys that can only be played with in the there.  In doing this, we are also reducing the amount of toys we keep in the house.  We have purchased a "special bin" for each child where they can keep their personal belongings and they are limited to that amount of space for personal items.  We are trying hard to reduce the tendancy toward hoarding that our older two children have.

3.  Each thing that we keep is limited to a certain amount of space and if we have too much stuff to fit in that space, we need to get rid of something.  This will keep us from being overwhelmed with too much of one thing, but will allow us to have what we need in the home for all of our interests.

4.  Reduce the wardrobe!  Everyone is limited to 10 outfits for each season and no more than 5 pairs of shoes.  I have less laundry that piles up because I have no choice but to do it and put it away every week and everyone has less clothes to manage.  Simplifying our wardrobes helps us to be more grateful for what we have. 

5.  SIMPLIFY!  We are working hard to simplify everything we do to make our home a more comfortable place for everyone to live.  I love the Virtually Organized blog by Debbie Kravitz and she posted a very inspiring post this week for simplifying our lives and our homes:  http://virtuallyorganized.com/2010/08/eliminate-the-unnecessary-2/

Hope this helps you move forward in your decluttering!

Grace based parenting #2

Tim Kimmel, in his book, Grace Based Parenting, discusses the concept of securely loving our children.  Secure love is important for their emotional development and how they carry on in their adult lives.

What's interesting about love is that children can know that you love them, but can feel like they are less important than other things in your life.  Do you give your children more time and attention then your hobbies and responsibilities?  Is the time you are spending with your children quality time or half-hearted?  This is really challenging me because there are days where I feel like a failure as far as giving my children appropriate attention.  Can I take a minute out of my chores to have a quality conversation with them?  Can I include them in the chore I'm working on so they get that bonding time with me?  Can I take 30 minutes and read them some books, sing some songs, play a game?  These are my challenges this month.  My schedule needs to communicate how important they are to me.

Another concept that Kimmel addresses is my attitude toward my children and the amount of work they are to me.  Do I approach caring for them as a burden or a privilege?  My children are all small.  Only one of them is independent enough that I can ask him for help, at age 7.  The other 3 really need help with daily grooming tasks, they need coached on clean-up and chores, how they eat at the table, all the little things that go into training small children.  When we go out in public, I have to be close to them at all times and keep tabs on them because I am not guaranteed that they will stay with me in a store.  It's for their safety and it's a lot of work.  Do they hear me talking about all these responsibilities as a burden or a privilege?  If they grow up constantly believing they are a burden to me because all I do is complain about how much work they are, am I communicating secure love to them?  This is another challenge that I am facing this month as I adjust my attitude toward caring for them.  I want them to grow up believing they are a privilege to raise instead of a burden.  I am thankful for these years because they aren't going to stay little forever.  They need to know they are worth the work and effort.

The last concept that I am ruminating on is the concept of honoring their unique personalities.  How often does our fatigue, frustration, and annoyance with our children put down things about their personalities that they have no control over?  Do we tell our children that their laughs are annoying, their passions are a waste of time, or the things they like aren't interesting enough for us to care about?  When we choose not to share in their passions and to put down things about them they cannot change, we are really cutting down their ability to know secure love.  I love that my oldest son gets excited about superheros.  Do I take enough time to listen to the things he tells me and encourage him in his imagination or am I communicating to him that I don't care about his joy?  Do I encourage my daughter in her love for singing and her ability to play alone or do I tell her to stop singing because I'm annoyed and chastise her for being anti-social?  My kids need to know that I absolutely love their unique qualities and that they are worth the attention that I give them.

What are your challenges as a parent?  What do you think about secure love and how are you communicating your children's importance to them?