So glad my kids have each other

Today was dance day with Little Miss.  It's our Friday routine to dress her up in her outfit, get the boys ready and head down to the studio to spend an hour letting my little outnumbered princess dance her heart out with other little girls.


When we arrived at the dance studio, there were 3 little boys whose parents have big wallets, sitting at the activity table with their "screens."  Two were sporting smart phones and one had an I PAD.  These boys are probably around 5 or 6 years old.  My boys, ages 5, 6, and almost 8, were very interested in the electronic devices, so they went over to check them out.  One boy, who I'd never seen before, said to the other two, who have played with my kids in the past, that they need to move and have some "privacy."  So, they got up, turned to my crew and told them not to follow and moved to some chairs, faces buried in their screens once more.  My boys, feeling utterly rejected, looked at me for cues about what they should do.  I, being the angry, she bear mommy, responded by loudly saying, "You guys don't need to play with mean kids."

I sat down at the table with my babies and they proceeded to entertain themselves by laughing and playing with a tiny Elmo.  They took turns making him dance to songs they were singing.  After 2 or 3 minutes, the rejection they felt from the other kids was completely forgotten by them as they sat and enjoyed each other;  smiling, laughing, playing and singing.

I am thankful for the stands Dave and I take as parents.  I am thankful that we limit electronics and place high value on family time.  My kids can use their imaginations while spending time together and get real joy out of their interactions with each other.  So, angry, she bear mommy has been humbled once again by my children's resiliency.    Thank you God for the ways you use my kids to teach me about you!

My Current Brain Spasm

My friend said that this should be published somewhere.  It was a private message, but I'm happy to share it with all my readers.

****************************************************************************

I read a lot of blogs about mothering, organizing, cleaning, this, that, and the other thing AND I think they put too much pressure on me to be the perfect mother. I AM NOT perfect. I can't have a baby whenever I want to. My house IS NOT clean. My laundry IS NOT organized, I don't cook naturally for EVERY meal. I don't follow a meticulous budget, and I don't make all my own "green" decorations and kids' clothes. I don't always pray and give things to God in stressful situations or direct my kids to do that. I break down and yell and scream. 

I am not perfect! I am normal. 

I'm not going to live up to the standards of being a "missional" mother. I'm not going to be able to always give my kids a clean diet and a keep a clutter free home. I'm not going to have days full of educational and Biblical activities that my kids can do so that I don't have to turn on the TV. I'm never going to cook without a microwave. I'm never going to always talk in a happy, cheery voice and smile at everyone I see. 

But, what I am going to be is the best I can be IN CHRIST to love and cherish my family so they can see HIM in our home. My kids will know that I am a fallen, sinful human being who without Christ would be damned to Hell. And, it is only through His work in me and His call on my life that I am who I am today.

Cultures Clash!

This past week I had to take my daughter to get extensions put in her hair.  We're trying to get her natural hair to grow long faster and, according to African American hair experts, extensions is the way to go.  I have become pretty proficient at hairstyles for my daughter, but putting in extensions is far beyond my level of expertise.

I found a salon that did a beautiful job with her hair in the middle of September.  About a week ago, it became apparent that she needed new extensions put in, so I called and made an appointment for Thursday morning.  I found childcare for my 3 busy boys, got up early, dropped the boys off, and got to my 10:00 a.m. appointment...not a small feat.  I arrived at the salon and found our stylist weaving another girl's hair.  Needless to say, I was a upset.  How could you make an appointment with someone and forget to write it in your book?

After a few minutes, we came to an agreement that I would come back in 2 hours and her hair would get done.  I left to hang out with my boys for a little bit and came back.  From the moment I walked in the door, the tension was THICK.  When they started on my daughter's hair, the would not allow me to sit in the room with her.  I stepped out of the room, calmed down, and returned to explain to them that I never leave my daughter alone with strangers.  The stylist and her boss reacted strongly, thinking I meant that I believed they would harm her in some way.  That is not what I was saying, but that's what they thought. 

So, we got it worked out that I could sit in the door way (I'm not sure how this was better then putting a chair up against the wall in the salon room) and people had to step over me to get in and out.  From that point on, they gave me the silent treatment, got 2 stylists working on Abby's hair, and got me out of there as fast as they could without another word.

While I was there, a father dropped off his daughter, who was younger than mine, and left her there alone to get a style put in that would probably take a few hours.  I don't understand how you can leave a small child alone in that situation.  I can't imagine not being there for Abby when she was afraid of the hair dryer, or not being there for her to tell me she had to use the bathroom. 

I have decided that what I experienced was a cultural difference that I am going to face whenever I take my children into the African American culture to have their needs met and learn about their roots.   Though I'm willing to learn how they approach different situations, I'm not sure the feeling is mutual in some circles we encounter and I believe that I experienced an unwillingness to understand my culture and my parenting decisions about what is best for my child. 

Grace based parenting #2

Tim Kimmel, in his book, Grace Based Parenting, discusses the concept of securely loving our children.  Secure love is important for their emotional development and how they carry on in their adult lives.

What's interesting about love is that children can know that you love them, but can feel like they are less important than other things in your life.  Do you give your children more time and attention then your hobbies and responsibilities?  Is the time you are spending with your children quality time or half-hearted?  This is really challenging me because there are days where I feel like a failure as far as giving my children appropriate attention.  Can I take a minute out of my chores to have a quality conversation with them?  Can I include them in the chore I'm working on so they get that bonding time with me?  Can I take 30 minutes and read them some books, sing some songs, play a game?  These are my challenges this month.  My schedule needs to communicate how important they are to me.

Another concept that Kimmel addresses is my attitude toward my children and the amount of work they are to me.  Do I approach caring for them as a burden or a privilege?  My children are all small.  Only one of them is independent enough that I can ask him for help, at age 7.  The other 3 really need help with daily grooming tasks, they need coached on clean-up and chores, how they eat at the table, all the little things that go into training small children.  When we go out in public, I have to be close to them at all times and keep tabs on them because I am not guaranteed that they will stay with me in a store.  It's for their safety and it's a lot of work.  Do they hear me talking about all these responsibilities as a burden or a privilege?  If they grow up constantly believing they are a burden to me because all I do is complain about how much work they are, am I communicating secure love to them?  This is another challenge that I am facing this month as I adjust my attitude toward caring for them.  I want them to grow up believing they are a privilege to raise instead of a burden.  I am thankful for these years because they aren't going to stay little forever.  They need to know they are worth the work and effort.

The last concept that I am ruminating on is the concept of honoring their unique personalities.  How often does our fatigue, frustration, and annoyance with our children put down things about their personalities that they have no control over?  Do we tell our children that their laughs are annoying, their passions are a waste of time, or the things they like aren't interesting enough for us to care about?  When we choose not to share in their passions and to put down things about them they cannot change, we are really cutting down their ability to know secure love.  I love that my oldest son gets excited about superheros.  Do I take enough time to listen to the things he tells me and encourage him in his imagination or am I communicating to him that I don't care about his joy?  Do I encourage my daughter in her love for singing and her ability to play alone or do I tell her to stop singing because I'm annoyed and chastise her for being anti-social?  My kids need to know that I absolutely love their unique qualities and that they are worth the attention that I give them.

What are your challenges as a parent?  What do you think about secure love and how are you communicating your children's importance to them?