So glad my kids have each other

Today was dance day with Little Miss.  It's our Friday routine to dress her up in her outfit, get the boys ready and head down to the studio to spend an hour letting my little outnumbered princess dance her heart out with other little girls.


When we arrived at the dance studio, there were 3 little boys whose parents have big wallets, sitting at the activity table with their "screens."  Two were sporting smart phones and one had an I PAD.  These boys are probably around 5 or 6 years old.  My boys, ages 5, 6, and almost 8, were very interested in the electronic devices, so they went over to check them out.  One boy, who I'd never seen before, said to the other two, who have played with my kids in the past, that they need to move and have some "privacy."  So, they got up, turned to my crew and told them not to follow and moved to some chairs, faces buried in their screens once more.  My boys, feeling utterly rejected, looked at me for cues about what they should do.  I, being the angry, she bear mommy, responded by loudly saying, "You guys don't need to play with mean kids."

I sat down at the table with my babies and they proceeded to entertain themselves by laughing and playing with a tiny Elmo.  They took turns making him dance to songs they were singing.  After 2 or 3 minutes, the rejection they felt from the other kids was completely forgotten by them as they sat and enjoyed each other;  smiling, laughing, playing and singing.

I am thankful for the stands Dave and I take as parents.  I am thankful that we limit electronics and place high value on family time.  My kids can use their imaginations while spending time together and get real joy out of their interactions with each other.  So, angry, she bear mommy has been humbled once again by my children's resiliency.    Thank you God for the ways you use my kids to teach me about you!

My Current Brain Spasm

My friend said that this should be published somewhere.  It was a private message, but I'm happy to share it with all my readers.

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I read a lot of blogs about mothering, organizing, cleaning, this, that, and the other thing AND I think they put too much pressure on me to be the perfect mother. I AM NOT perfect. I can't have a baby whenever I want to. My house IS NOT clean. My laundry IS NOT organized, I don't cook naturally for EVERY meal. I don't follow a meticulous budget, and I don't make all my own "green" decorations and kids' clothes. I don't always pray and give things to God in stressful situations or direct my kids to do that. I break down and yell and scream. 

I am not perfect! I am normal. 

I'm not going to live up to the standards of being a "missional" mother. I'm not going to be able to always give my kids a clean diet and a keep a clutter free home. I'm not going to have days full of educational and Biblical activities that my kids can do so that I don't have to turn on the TV. I'm never going to cook without a microwave. I'm never going to always talk in a happy, cheery voice and smile at everyone I see. 

But, what I am going to be is the best I can be IN CHRIST to love and cherish my family so they can see HIM in our home. My kids will know that I am a fallen, sinful human being who without Christ would be damned to Hell. And, it is only through His work in me and His call on my life that I am who I am today.

life before motherhood...

Today is a day where I think about what life was like before I was a mom.

I do have a degree in Urban Studies and a Master of Arts degree. Are these requirements for being a mom... NO. I spend my days cleaning up poopy pants, doing laundry, playing referee, teaching life skills, listening to whining and crying, cooking, cleaning the table, cooking again, cleaning the table again, trying to squeeze all our stuff into a small space... Whew!

But, what happened to my brain? What happened to the things I was trained to do? Well, for now, they are on hold. I used to go into tough urban places to try and bring the hope of Jesus Christ to the broken and hurting. I used to go into churches and teach people how to develop youth and children's ministries in their environments. I used to go into homes and schools and teach families and professionals how to best help their autistic children. It was brainy. I worked hard. I used my training to train other people.

Now... I have traded broken and hurting urban places for the broken and hurting hearts of my children... because they have faced so much grief and loss in their lives so far. I have traded developing ministries for developing homeschool curriculum to use in my home to educate my children. I have traded special needs autistic children for the special needs that come with my children who don't know who to attach to because they have lost everything they were close to while they were waiting for me to be their mommy.

My job now is harder... I guess it does take as much or more brain power to accomplish it. But, on days like today, I feel frumpy and unprofessional. I feel like it takes a lot of effort to connect with any other adult and make any sense or be taken seriously. I know it's just my issue. Sometimes I wish others could see inside my head and understand the conflict between who I used to be and who my children are helping me to become. I know that in the end it will be for the better. It is just going to take some time for me to fully realize what the Lord is doing.

For now, I will take joy in my children when they draw, learn, play, laugh and smile. They won't be this little long and I don't want to miss any minute of it!